Jizvy na duši, jizvy na těle.

9. june 2013 at 17:28 | Hani. |  Všechny mé myšlenky na jednom místě.

JAK DALEKO JSME SCHOPNI ZAJÍT.

Poslední dny se mi počasí moc nelíbí, ale to asi nikomu. Chci, aby konečně přestalo pršet, aby opadla voda z těch vesnic, aby konečně začalo léto...
Mám husí kůži, když vidím ty reportáže, plakající lidi, kteří přišli o všechno. Nejhorší věcí je, že příroda nejeví zájem. Nechce nám pomoci, nechce vyslyšet nářeky lidí. Panebože, jaké já mám štěstí, že jsme na kopci. Jak moc velké.
Přijde mi, jako kdyby byli všichni smutní a bez energie. Dávám to za vinu sluníčku, které se skoro pořád schovává za mraky. Na druhou stranu taky na všechny "leze jaro"... Zamilovávají se, rozchází se, trápí se, ubližují sobě i ostatním.
Ničí mne pohled na kamarády, kteří se utápí v depresích, na plakající lidi, na slečny s obvazem na rukách. Nikdy jsem nepochopila, jak dokáží ublížit sami sobě. Pořád to nechápu, ale znám důvod. Je to depresí. Asi. Oni mi o tom moc povědět nechtějí. Ale mnoho lidí říká, že jim to pomáhá, ale pořád se mi tomu nechce věřit. Já bych to nedokázala. Jizvy na duši, jizvy na těle.
Neříkám, že jsem o tom nikdy nepřemýšlela. Ale ne o sebepoškozováním jako takovém, jako spíše o tom, jak se ti lidé cítí. Jestli je to bolí, nebo jestli cítí úlevu. Nechci to zkoušet, ale chci najít odpověď.
Když se nad tím zamyslím, všechny moje kamarádky ze třídy to dělají. Jen já jsem to snad nikdy neudělala. Jedna si tam vyřezala jméno svého kluka (se kterým už nechodí a tak to schovává náramky), druhá se opalovala nad svíčkou, nebo si vyřezávala srdíčka nad loket, třetí si prostě a jednoduše řezala žíly. Prý kvůli lásce. Ale je možné milovat někoho v našem věku?
Podle mne ne. Jsme moc malí, jednou nohou děti. Nevíme pořádně co je láska, nevíme tolik věcí. Na nekteré se třeba ani nepřijde, ale má to vůbec cenu řezat si žíly a ubližovat sobě jenom kvůli tomu, že se s námi někdo rozešel?
Polil mne studený pot. Mám chuť všechno napsat, ale nevím, jestli by se to všechno vešlo do jednoho článku. Jak moc bych to chtěla napsat.. a vypsat se z toho silného pocitu bezmoci. Bolí mne to za ně. Nechci, aby byli v nemocnicích a nic mi nechtěli říct, abych nevěděla, proč to dělají. Co jim je, jestli budou v pořádku. Možná mi to řeknou, ale já jim v tom nemůžu zabránit... nemůžu jim pomoct. Nemůžu. Ale můžu to zkusit.
Každý má nějaký mindrák. Nějaké své slabé místo. Já mám mindráků nad hlavu, ale neřeším to bolestí. Nemám ji ráda a ještě abych si za ni mohla sama.
Člověk je nepoučitelný.
Nenacházím odpověď. Od té doby co píšu články si uvědomuji, kolik toho nevím. A bude toho ještě mnohokrát více. Můžu těmto lidem tisíckrát napsat, ať nedělají. Ale oni to budou dělat pořád. Každý si odpověď musí najít sám. Ale jak dlouho to bude trvat a kde je ta hranice?

Tumblr_m1mjfszsys1ql39doo1_500_large

 

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